PRESSURE DOESN'T ALWAYS MAKE DIAMONDS
I can’t say daily affirmations, exercise three to five times a week, drink a ton of water, sleep eight hours, take vitamins, exfoliate, moisturize, meal prep, cook healthy meals, clean my home, be a supportive wife and lover, an amazing mother making sure my kid is clean, fed, stimulated, and happy, deep condition my hair, meditate, silence my ego, smile, balance a full-time job and a full-time side hustle, and be grateful regardless of how painfully overwhelmed I am.
These are the words that I thought to myself amidst an anxiety attack the other day.
I’ve been teetering lately. Teetering on the edge of hustle, hysteria, and holy shit, and if you follow me on my socials, you know that all of those feelings have manifested physically – a month of body aches, migraines, lethargy, and now the flu as the grand finale.
What is the meaning of this? Not in a middle-aged-white-sitcom-dad kind of way, but seriously. Everything is a message, and everything has a reason for existing in your life at any given time. So what is the meaning of all of the pressure and negativity I’ve been feeling? I thought about it.
I credit "A Woman's Worth" for giving me the push I needed to post this. I've been cloudy – physically, emotionally, and spiritually cloudy – and it has been a funnel through which the Universe has helped me see through those clouds. These are my observations.
I put waaaay too much fucking pressure on myself. I started this year with a totally new life. A new marriage, a new baby, a new body, a new mind, so naturally this birthed new goals. I set out to be this kick-ass version of myself just like I had any other year, except I didn’t factor in that all these new roles actually took more time, effort, and planning than I accounted for in my day-to-day. I tried anyway, and when I couldn’t do all of the things I told myself I had to do, I engaged in negative self-talk, the blame game, and tons of second thoughts. It’s become a vicious cycle that has eaten away at my mental and physical energy, and I didn’t notice until I hit my breaking point this week.
I literally laughed when the doctor who diagnosed me with the flu told me I had to take a week off to rest. Maybe it was half delirious laughter from a night of body aches and perfuse bodily fluids, but the thought of rest when I had so many things to do was a joke to me. She asked me about my health habits, my job, and home-life, and I answered honestly. I try my best to eat healthy 90% of the time, try my best to exercise for an hour, three to four times a week, my home life is happy but busy, and my job is stressful afffffff. “Well, this is the week you take it easy,” she responded. Again, I laughed and nodded, but she’s right. I had to take it easy, and not just for a week. Stress – outside and self-induced – was putting a strain on every aspect of my life. There are some things that Tamiflu can heal, but the rest (no pun intended) is up to me.
My words are manifesting all the time. (I have no problem sharing the things I want to manifest in my life. I am always 100% authentically me, and I trust you. Besides, no one going to sabotage my blessings. Lo que està para ti, nadie te lo quita.)
My New Moon journal, my gratitude notebooks, my prayers, my affirmations all point towards one version of myself: the healthy, mentally and physically fit, spiritually whole, entrepreneurial, full-time healer. This is going to sound cliche AF, but I deduced that all of the things that are seemingly trying their best to ruin my life right now, are actually here to push me closer towards the best version of me. I know. Expected AF answer, but let me break this down so that you can see how this applies to all of us.
This month’s experiences have pushed me into my health’s sunken place. I found myself searching for holistic doctors, and researching Ayurvedic herbs and habits I can implement into my daily life. The healthiest version of myself is manifesting out of illness.
The pressures of newness mixed with the rat race of trying to balance everything in my life has triggered new feelings of anxiety in me, most of which I choose not to share with anyone. I realized that the healer needs healing too, so I made the decision to seek therapy again. The mentally fit version of myself is manifesting out of the reintroduction of constant anxiety.
Trying to lose 50 lbs and build muscle and prepare for four trips you already have booked for the rest of the year can feel insane for someone that has relinquished their body for over a year. Add three full-time jobs to the mix, and you get what I mentioned in the paragraph above. So…I’ve started to make appointments with myself – 6 AM gym appointments, three times a week. If I can manage to sneak one home workout in there while baby girl naps, then I’ve aced my fitness week. The physically fit version of myself is manifesting out of a commitment to wear a bikini in July.
How am I feeling today? Better now that I’m not running to the bathroom every 10 minutes, have a bunch of herbal supplements being shipped to my apartment, and have appointments with a physician, dentist, therapist, and myself this week – all habits and appointments I intend to keep, but won’t beat myself up for if I slip up.
The journey towards your best self isn’t all sage, lotion, and “drinking your water.” Sometimes it’s pain, honesty, and tears. Sometimes it’s holding yourself accountable for the ways you’re actively mortifying yourself while the Universe is already working for you – manifesting everything that is necessary to your cosmic, royal emergence in your own divine time. Not that woman that you saw on Instagram’s divine time, YOUR divine time. That means whatever time the Divine deems is best, not when you want.
So b r e a t h e with me. Remember who you are, why you're here, where you going, and that you need not pressure yourself to the point of explosion to get there.
Sometimes pressure makes diamonds, and sometimes pressure forces you to chill. Either way, something beautiful and bright is at the end of it.