5 INNER DIALOGUES THAT TOOK PLACE IN MY BRAIN THIS WEEK: PART IV
It’s been three weeks since my last Inner Dialogue post. Usually I’m a very structured person. Post certain things on certain days, space out specific types of posts, write under a certain amount of words, etc. Then it dawned on me that I make the rules. An ode to the thoughts that are left publicly unexpressed…until now…because it just couldn’t wait another month or two.
- I call these Weekly Wisdom posts Inner Dialogues. I’m completely aware that the definition of a monologue is a discourse or “talk” by a single person, which is the exact reason I chose the word dialogue. A dialogue, a conversation between two characters, is exactly what it feels like when I process an idea in my head. Welcome to my brain for a second. A colorful place of mass confusion sorted out through discovery, intricate calculation and galaxies of oscillating thoughts. I am not one, but two. A sane person and an insane person. An agile thinker with rigid tendencies. I house fiery thoughts in a place that births gentility. I do not make sense, so if my title doesn’t, then it’s not supposed to.
- You are not entitled to everything you desire. You’re especially not entitled to have what you desire instantly. As kids were taught to share. When you have something and someone else wants it, you’re taught to share it with them. You’re supposed give it to them simply because they asked. And one can’t just say “GIMME,” because only asking politely gets you what you want. And you can’t forget to say thank you and give it back after you’re done. Fast forward 20 years. You’re machine-gunning uninvented curse words at people who won’t give you what you want. BUT YOU ASKED SO NICELY, WHAT HAPPENED? Life happened. You could work your absolute hardest to acquire something you crave, but you never actually get to hold it in your hands. Life is suddenly unfair…but what if you what you want isn’t what you need? What if it’s not meant for you?
- You are not an arrogant, apathetic asshole for not voicing your opinions. Gaza, Eric Garner and Michael Brown, Robin Williams, ALS Awareness. There’s a lot going on and even more being said. You do not have to comment on absolutely anything if you don’t feel compelled to. Sure, your online relevancy depends on it, but who cares. It doesn’t make you any less aware if you would rather Instagram a photo of your chicken pad thai than that of a silent protest. It’s those that haven’t the slightest clue about the details of current events that feel obliged to comment. It’s those that look and sound like arrogant, pathetic assholes. It’s okay. Keep your mouth shut and your fingers closed. Enjoy your pad thai.
- Why am I forced to deal with this? Why am I forced to have to adjust my life for something that I wasn’t taught to be prepared for? How do I deal? Who is going to walk me through this? Is there a tutorial of some sort that I can watch on YouTube? A self-help book lying in a dusty corner of Barnes and Noble? A prayer I can say to spare me? Or is this what life is all about? Is this what authors wrap up words so descriptively about in novels? Is this what screenplays are written to portray? Is it okay to want to react without wanting reaction? Is it okay to admit that I’m not okay? What is acceptable protocol for mental combustion?
- I am a woman, but my genitalia does not excuse me. It does not excuse me from having good taste in music, not enjoying cooking, wanting to fix my own car or having more muscles than my boyfriend. You do not have to commend me for my skills, compliment me on my knowledge or be surprised that I actually know how to do something you thought only you could do. Our parts do not isolate us, you do. Respect me and my reproductive system, because without me, there would be no you.
Art by Mat.b